January 2008 in review

Sooooooo...it's been a while since I've checked in. Part of the problem with going out and doing is that it leaves you little time to come back and blog about it. Here's the Cliff notes version of January:

1. I gave in to peer pressure and called MB again. I left him a message and 2 days later he sent a vague text stating "I am hoping that we can meet somewhere this week." My instinct was that he was f.o.s. and I should give him a smart ass reply, but peer pressure prevailed and instead I replied "busy this week. How about Saturday?" NEVER got a response. 3 weeks later I'm still (perturbed/miffed/borderline angry) about it. I mean really. You'd have thought I asked him to be my man or something. Why put the invite out there and then be a flake? Was it really necessary to go the extra mile? He could have just ignored my phone call then. Or at least be courteous enough to say "I'll check my schedule" and then never get back to me...don't just act like I didn't even....*woooo....ok...breathe* I'm going to leave this alone now.

2. I went to a basketball game with a few female friends. First time I ever went to a game. It was fun, even though the home team lost (as usual). There was a little girl drama between 2 of the friends which will make things interesting in the coming months.

3. I went to a "fight party" for the Holyfield-Trinidad fight. I discovered that although 2 drinks will get me buzzed, 3 drinks will have me damn near swinging from the chandelier and feeling up on just about any man in sight. At some point I was dancing very scandalously with someone else's man (he started it, not me! And his girlfriend was there! Blame it on the liquor, 'cuz I am SO not that type of girl) and I remember thinking to myself that this sweaty drunken reggae dance is the closest I've come to a man in over a year (and no, the cute guy who fell asleep on my shoulder on the train doesn't count, and MB's hug at the party last month doesn't count either).

4. I went on a date with a guy I met online...last year. I know I said no online dates in '08, but he's grandfathered from last year. Short story: we didn't have much chemistry on the phone, but he insisted that he was not a phone person. There was no chemistry in person and I felt like I NEEDED a drink to get through the date. Actually, I felt like I needed 2 drinks, but I didn't want to appear to be a lush. Needless to say we won't be going out again.

5. I went to "girls' night" with a few friends from school and one of them decided to bring her boyfriend along. A very awkward time was had by all.

6. I was on the way home from the gym and ran into a chat buddy from MySpace. We hadn't spoken in a couple weeks (my fault) because I felt like he just wasn't really interested. At this point, I'm not trying to meet people to be online buddies. Let's go to dinner, a movie...hell, let's at least talk on the phone. So after a couple months of random chatting I decided to keep it moving. We ran into each other and had a good conversation. He left off with "see you around". A few days later he sent me a message on MySpace asking why he hasn't heard from me. I told him that maybe next time we should actually plan a meeting. Haven't heard back from him. NEXT!

7. I met my co-worker's fiance' for the first time, and a good friend got married last month. She's expecting a baby in July. Another very close friend is also expecting a child around the same time. I predict minor depression and lots of drinking around that time.

8. I called an old (suitor?/flame?) that I haven't spoken to in 2 years. Last time we spoke he was a mess. College dropout, "in between jobs", living at home, smoking weed (ugh), and 30 years old. His only saving grace was the fact that he had a car (which his parents gave him) and he had a body TO DIE FOR! Sadly, when I am feeling like nobody in the world wants me, I know I can count on him to stroke my ego....but really...this is like being grateful for attention from the local homeless dude. Definitely not the sign of a BITCH.

Summary: I've been out more in the past few weeks than I have in the past year (I know, I was/am a recluse by nature), but somehow I don't particularly feel any better about it. I realize that I am generally hanging out with women (or gay/attached men) and we are not meeting any quality single men. These female friends have cats and seems somewhat resigned to comfortable with the "I don't need a man" role. I think that's b.s. Maybe they're secret lesbians? Or maybe they're made of steel.

Personally I'm way too affectionate/cuddly/human to just accept the role of happy single gal about town. The fact that other friends are getting engaged/married/settling down and I can't even get a return phone call from men who seem like decent candidates is weighing heavily on my self-esteem. I know what you're thinking, and no, I don't wear my angst on my sleeve when I talk to people...that's what the blog is for. Inevitably when I meet men (if I'm somewhat interested) they will say "wow, it's amazing that someone like you is still single"...and then promptly disappear, only to pop up months later with "hey...what's new?" Very frustrating, to say the least. As someone said in The Color Purple: "I need me a man, you hear? A man!" Lol.

Current mood: melancholy; anxious; tired; recognizing that "life could be a lot worse", but not comforted by that knowledge; on the brink of a binge eating session (when I should be exercising); and....lonely *sigh* yes. There. I said it.

Outlook for February 2008: I have a 14-day vacation planned in the Caribbean. My parents are going with me. I feel like this is the kind of trip I should be taking with friends/significant other because solo vacations suck (trust me, I've done it before). Sadly, my friends (what with their babies/weddings/significant others/financial woes) are not in any position to join me on any of these excursions, and I don't have a significant other, so there you go. Hopefully the rest will do wonders for my angst....and the fact that they don't celebrate Valentine's Day down there can only be a good thing :-). Oh, and my b-day is in the first week of February. 28 big ones! I was thinking of having a party or lunch/dinner gathering (I did a lunch last year at a great Brazilian restaurant), but eh....we'll see.

He's just not that into you...

After more flip-flopping than John Kerry at a 2004 presidential debate, I decided that the only thing to do is erase MB's number. Despite his promise to call "right back", 3 days have elapsed and all I hear are crickets in the breeze. My friends are of the opinion that he will call back on some random day and act like we just got off the phone yesterday and no time has passed. I, personally, can't stand that kind of thing. Maybe I shouldn't be so disturbed, but I am completely annoyed by this situation. Part of me wants to pre-empt things and just leave him a message saying "yeah....don't bother calling me back....ever. Thanks." Even though that would be admitting that I thought about him more than a little bit, and it totally defies the bitch mentality, it would definitely prevent repeat performances (and it would keep me from wondering about things).

*Sigh* but I'm going to be an adult and just let it go. Relax. Relate. Release.

There are a few lessons here though: #1- Next time I go out, I need to talk to a bunch of people. #2- Stick with my gut instinct. Although I initially thought MB was cool, when he started off by texting instead of calling, I kinda figured that he wasn't really interested, but was just trying to keep me as an "option". My friends convinced me that I was being too hard on him and that I should give him a second chance. Although I'm not a pessimist, I am a realist and I believe that if you need a "second chance" before you even made it to a first date, then that's a sign of trouble. When a person is truly interested, nothing, and I mean NOTHING will stand in the way of them getting to know you. They will be breaking their backs to make and maintain contact and show their interest, not disappearing for periods of time and leaving you wondering.

Grrrrrr

So...I broke down and called MB. We had a pretty funny....3 minute conversation. I was on the train on the way home. He was in a cab on the way home. He got off the phone to pay the driver, with the last words being "I'll call you when I get in". The cynic in me decided that he wasn't going to call back. The optimist hoped that he would. Sadly, the cynic won. Now I'm back to nailbiting and wondering when if I'll get a call back.

To make matters worse, I was on the phone with a friend discussing the idiocy of the dating game last night before bed. She's going through her own drama and sadly she can relate to my situation. I ended up having a bit of a bad dream and woke up around 4:30am this morning.

I definitely need a life distractor to keep me from thinking about this stupidness. Next Friday night I'm going to a Knicks game with a group of female friends. That should be fun, since I've never been to a game before...and it's a night out :-). Now I just have to find something to do this weekend *sigh*.

Of mice and men

Well...the party dude (MB)decided to call back after all. I (as a real bitch would) decided to ignore the phone call. Then I spent the next 2 days biting my nails and wondering if/when I should call back (the way an amateur would). It turns out the waiting was for nothing because he called back again a couple days later. So we spoke for a little bit and had an interesting, although somewhat nervous (at least for me) conversation. The major thing I learned from this convo is that he is single and has been for the past year, after getting out of a 9-year (gasp!) relationship. I did remember to make sure that I got off the phone first. +5 for me :-).

I decided to send MB a "Happy New Year" text message on Tuesday, but I've heard nothing back since then. :-(. Although I am somewhat curious, one of my fatal flaws is that I'm impatient and tend to lose interest somewhat quickly. I feel that if he was really interested, I probably would have heard from him already. Instead, I may be "on the team". Considering that a few months/years ago I couldn't even pay for someone to take my number, this seems to be an improvement. But if there's one thing I know, it's "don't make someone a priority when you're only their option". So I'll give him one more call...and depending on how that goes, I may drop a hint about going out. If that doesn't work out, then MB will be erased.

Vindication

Several years ago (in the fat days) I fell head over heels for someone (codename Doctor)who: a) my mother couldn't stand and b) was not attracted to me. Looking back, I guess I can't blame him all that much, because I wasn't really attracted to myself (and if you don't love yourself, who will?). But I was hoping that my glowing fat girl personality would more than compensate for my insecurity/ flab. Sadly, it did not, and after 9 months of talking/dating/hanging out, it ended with me boo hooing, writing sad poetry and vowing to lose weight immediately. I was pretty pissed off about the whole thing because Doctor is kinda short...shorter than me in fact. Call me crazy, but he didn't strike me as one that should have been picky. But then again...Jermaine Dupri is dating Janet Jackson. As we can see, looks don't matter as long as the woman has the looks.

Fast forward to 2007. I still talk to Doctor on birthdays/holidays. In a strange twist, I've somehow become buddies with his current girlfriend and mother of his child (one of the most adorable babies I've seen!)

I decided to call Doctor and wish him a happy birthday as his b-day was a few weeks ago. After about 20 minutes, Doctor informed me that he had seen my MySpace page recently and admired my photo. (I have a photo of myself from my 10 year h.s. reunion wearing something taht normally I wouldn't wear at all--- it was "tastefully sexy" as my friend stated...but a far cry from the hoodies/jeans/sneakers combos that I've been known for in the post-h.s. era). Doctor said that he actually felt a little jealous after seeing that photo.

Heh! I wanted to make him say it again, but I decided to take the high road and just thank him for the compliment and keep it moving. The interesting thing is that in the years since I've known him, Doctor has put on about as much weight as I've lost. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we were in this situation years ago. The truth is, everything happens for a reason. We all end up where we're meant to be.....but there's nothing wrong with getting your ego stroked along the way ;-).

Stepping out- Take 1

They say "Rome wasn't built in a day"..and a bitch can't be created overnight. Generally, I'm a shy person in the midst of new people. I can't stand the thought of parties, as I don't dance, and up until recently, I've been a prime candidate for the TV show "What Not To Wear". But I did say I was going to challenge myself in 2008, so I decided to go to a party that a friend told me about on Friday night.

It turns out that 4 friends from school were also going to the party, so I had a few "anchors" in the crowd to talk to. I didn't want to spend all night with them though, so I got a drink and started walking around. I was wearing a tastefully sexy outfit with heels (I may walk around looking like hell on a regular basis, but I know what looks good. lol.), and I noticed a few admiring glances. Nobody said anything, but there was definitely some eye contact and a few "hellos" as I walked through the crowd.

About an hour later I decided to get another drink. As I was leaving the bar, I was approached by a pretty attractive guy. He introduced himself and we started talking. Next thing I know, we're making our way to the dance floor (yikes!). I did a little 2-step with him and we ended up talking and laughing for the next few hours. This was way more than I expected, so I was content with just saying good night and leaving it at that.

In this situation a bitch would NOT have talked to the same guy all night. A bitch would have thanked him for his time after 15-20 minutes and moved on to find someone else. A real bitch may not even have given him her phone number. She might have told him to look her up online or something. She wouldn't have been impressed by him following her around like he was really interested, and she wouldn't have gotten hyped up because her friends were asking questions about him (and why he seemed so interested) all night.

But because I'm a bitch-in-training, and I was giddy off the alcohol and attention...and the fact that I haven't been that close to a guy in a while (packed like a sardine on the train in the morning doesn't count) ...I broke ALL the rules of the game. I talked to him all night. I exchanged #s with him. I laughed at his corny jokes. I (probably) blushed when he complimented me on my scarf. I (foolishly) told him I'd been chillin' alone all night and "no, people haven't been hitting on me all night". I let him walk me to the train station (at least I declined to hold his hand...even though it was cold as hell and he made a comment about holding hands). I shouldn't have taken his "just checking to see if you got in safely" text message as anything other than due diligence. As a matter of fact, I should have erased his # right after (just to be on the safe side). But instead I responded all cutesy and thanked him for checking up on me.

The next day I sent him a text just to say hello. On Sunday he responded that he was having trouble sleeping, had just learned of a death in his family, and was going out of town the next day. About 30 minutes later I decided to give him a call of the "sorry for your loss" variety. Call me old-fashioned, but a text reading "sry 4 ur loss" or something similar seemed tacky. That was the last I heard from him until a "Happy Holidays!!!" text on Tuesday. I responded with a "Happy Holidays to you as well" text a few calculated hours later. The old me might have called him back. But considering that I've already been more friendly than a bitch probably should have been, I decided to spare myself the humiliation and just erase his #. Maybe he is really going through something and doesn't want to be bothered. Maybe he's keeping me on the "team" and intends to text me every so often just to find out if I'm still around. Either way, I'm done. Now I'm kicking myself for spending the whole night talking to him and then having an expectation (no matter how slight) that something (like even a phone call) might come from it. I suspect that I may be hearing from him (via text) again at some random point in the future.
In the meantime, I have set a goal to go to AT LEAST one party/social function per month; to not spend all night talking to the same person at the next function; and to not give out my number anymore. I have a pretty public job. If you know my name, you can find me online. The truly interested will go the extra mile and look me up. Hmph.

Anywho...have you ever given/taken a number at a party or elsewhere "just because?" What happened?

The Bitch that started it all...

I was on the L train in Brooklyn and I happened to notice a woman reading a book called "Why Men Marry BITCHES" . Now the woman reading it had the stank face on already (in that "don't mess with me" kinda way), so my interest was piqued.

A few days later I looked it up on Amazon. I started reading a few pages and I was hooked. The author describes a bitch as a "Babe In Total Control of Herself". As corny as that may seem, the concept is pretty interesting. The basic premise is that men are most attracted to confident women. Not nice women. Not beautiful women. Not rich women. Those characteristics definitely help, but without confidence, they're pretty worthless.

I know you're probably thinking "duh...you needed a book to tell you that?" Yes, actually, I did.

There was once a time where I used to be over 200lbs. On a 5'7 frame that's a whole lotta woman. I didn't think I was anything to look at but I was definitely funny....whenever I could manage to break out of my shell of shyness. I'd always see my thinner, prettier friends getting attention from men while I was "the good friend" and eventually I thought that if I could just lose some weight, I'd get the same attention.

Over the course of the next few years I became something of a gym rat. Think Demi Moore in G.I. Jane...ok maybe not, but I'm now a more reasonable 155lbs. with more of an athletic look. Despite all that I'm still struggling in the man department (and by struggling I mean "I've had 3 dates this year and one of them was a repressed homosexual"), and lacking severely in the confidence department.

At my recent 10-year h.s. reunion, I noticed that many of the former hotties (male and female) had put on quite a bit of weight (not the "I went to a keg party every weekend" weight. I'm talking "I fell asleep at the buffet table" weight--- I should know, it happened to me). They weren't all that hot anymore, to be honest. Some of the former "freaks" and "wallflowers" had turned into some damn good-looking people...but the personalities never changed. The former hotties still had that confidence and charisma despite their (in some cases) 50lb. weight gain/receding hairlines, etc. The freaks and wallflowers were still quiet and on the sidelines. Needless to say the former hotties came with dates or spouses. The freaks and wallflowers congregated in a corner to talk about how horrible the dating scene was. The most amazing thing is that each one had a story about how they'd been dumped for someone who wasn't necessarily nicer or better-looking or more accomplished.

I've been on the train and seen the most buck-toothed, sloppy, bad-weave-wearing mensches with engagement rings and wedding bands and I've thought...how did SHE get a man and I can't? The answer...despite outward appearances, she's a BITCH and she knows how to use it.

The freak/wallflower mentality doesn't just hinder me in dating. It keeps me from making new friends and advancing in my career. How can I sell myself as an employee/friend/potential mate if I don't act like I believe in my own abilities? If you were someone else, would you be friends with yourself? I'd like to think the answer is yes, but some days I'm not so sure.

So now that I've identified the problem, it's time to do something about it. What better time than the new year to make changes? Enter 2008 as my personal year of the BITCH. Each week I'll be setting a challenge to help break myself out of my freak/wallflower mentality. Whether you're already a Bitch, or you're a bitch-in-training, feel free to come through and laugh at/with me and share your story. Don't get it twisted though...this is not a pity party, and even though I may be a wallflower, I'm still from Brooklyn...so act like you know!!!