Vindication

Several years ago (in the fat days) I fell head over heels for someone (codename Doctor)who: a) my mother couldn't stand and b) was not attracted to me. Looking back, I guess I can't blame him all that much, because I wasn't really attracted to myself (and if you don't love yourself, who will?). But I was hoping that my glowing fat girl personality would more than compensate for my insecurity/ flab. Sadly, it did not, and after 9 months of talking/dating/hanging out, it ended with me boo hooing, writing sad poetry and vowing to lose weight immediately. I was pretty pissed off about the whole thing because Doctor is kinda short...shorter than me in fact. Call me crazy, but he didn't strike me as one that should have been picky. But then again...Jermaine Dupri is dating Janet Jackson. As we can see, looks don't matter as long as the woman has the looks.

Fast forward to 2007. I still talk to Doctor on birthdays/holidays. In a strange twist, I've somehow become buddies with his current girlfriend and mother of his child (one of the most adorable babies I've seen!)

I decided to call Doctor and wish him a happy birthday as his b-day was a few weeks ago. After about 20 minutes, Doctor informed me that he had seen my MySpace page recently and admired my photo. (I have a photo of myself from my 10 year h.s. reunion wearing something taht normally I wouldn't wear at all--- it was "tastefully sexy" as my friend stated...but a far cry from the hoodies/jeans/sneakers combos that I've been known for in the post-h.s. era). Doctor said that he actually felt a little jealous after seeing that photo.

Heh! I wanted to make him say it again, but I decided to take the high road and just thank him for the compliment and keep it moving. The interesting thing is that in the years since I've known him, Doctor has put on about as much weight as I've lost. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we were in this situation years ago. The truth is, everything happens for a reason. We all end up where we're meant to be.....but there's nothing wrong with getting your ego stroked along the way ;-).

Stepping out- Take 1

They say "Rome wasn't built in a day"..and a bitch can't be created overnight. Generally, I'm a shy person in the midst of new people. I can't stand the thought of parties, as I don't dance, and up until recently, I've been a prime candidate for the TV show "What Not To Wear". But I did say I was going to challenge myself in 2008, so I decided to go to a party that a friend told me about on Friday night.

It turns out that 4 friends from school were also going to the party, so I had a few "anchors" in the crowd to talk to. I didn't want to spend all night with them though, so I got a drink and started walking around. I was wearing a tastefully sexy outfit with heels (I may walk around looking like hell on a regular basis, but I know what looks good. lol.), and I noticed a few admiring glances. Nobody said anything, but there was definitely some eye contact and a few "hellos" as I walked through the crowd.

About an hour later I decided to get another drink. As I was leaving the bar, I was approached by a pretty attractive guy. He introduced himself and we started talking. Next thing I know, we're making our way to the dance floor (yikes!). I did a little 2-step with him and we ended up talking and laughing for the next few hours. This was way more than I expected, so I was content with just saying good night and leaving it at that.

In this situation a bitch would NOT have talked to the same guy all night. A bitch would have thanked him for his time after 15-20 minutes and moved on to find someone else. A real bitch may not even have given him her phone number. She might have told him to look her up online or something. She wouldn't have been impressed by him following her around like he was really interested, and she wouldn't have gotten hyped up because her friends were asking questions about him (and why he seemed so interested) all night.

But because I'm a bitch-in-training, and I was giddy off the alcohol and attention...and the fact that I haven't been that close to a guy in a while (packed like a sardine on the train in the morning doesn't count) ...I broke ALL the rules of the game. I talked to him all night. I exchanged #s with him. I laughed at his corny jokes. I (probably) blushed when he complimented me on my scarf. I (foolishly) told him I'd been chillin' alone all night and "no, people haven't been hitting on me all night". I let him walk me to the train station (at least I declined to hold his hand...even though it was cold as hell and he made a comment about holding hands). I shouldn't have taken his "just checking to see if you got in safely" text message as anything other than due diligence. As a matter of fact, I should have erased his # right after (just to be on the safe side). But instead I responded all cutesy and thanked him for checking up on me.

The next day I sent him a text just to say hello. On Sunday he responded that he was having trouble sleeping, had just learned of a death in his family, and was going out of town the next day. About 30 minutes later I decided to give him a call of the "sorry for your loss" variety. Call me old-fashioned, but a text reading "sry 4 ur loss" or something similar seemed tacky. That was the last I heard from him until a "Happy Holidays!!!" text on Tuesday. I responded with a "Happy Holidays to you as well" text a few calculated hours later. The old me might have called him back. But considering that I've already been more friendly than a bitch probably should have been, I decided to spare myself the humiliation and just erase his #. Maybe he is really going through something and doesn't want to be bothered. Maybe he's keeping me on the "team" and intends to text me every so often just to find out if I'm still around. Either way, I'm done. Now I'm kicking myself for spending the whole night talking to him and then having an expectation (no matter how slight) that something (like even a phone call) might come from it. I suspect that I may be hearing from him (via text) again at some random point in the future.
In the meantime, I have set a goal to go to AT LEAST one party/social function per month; to not spend all night talking to the same person at the next function; and to not give out my number anymore. I have a pretty public job. If you know my name, you can find me online. The truly interested will go the extra mile and look me up. Hmph.

Anywho...have you ever given/taken a number at a party or elsewhere "just because?" What happened?

The Bitch that started it all...

I was on the L train in Brooklyn and I happened to notice a woman reading a book called "Why Men Marry BITCHES" . Now the woman reading it had the stank face on already (in that "don't mess with me" kinda way), so my interest was piqued.

A few days later I looked it up on Amazon. I started reading a few pages and I was hooked. The author describes a bitch as a "Babe In Total Control of Herself". As corny as that may seem, the concept is pretty interesting. The basic premise is that men are most attracted to confident women. Not nice women. Not beautiful women. Not rich women. Those characteristics definitely help, but without confidence, they're pretty worthless.

I know you're probably thinking "duh...you needed a book to tell you that?" Yes, actually, I did.

There was once a time where I used to be over 200lbs. On a 5'7 frame that's a whole lotta woman. I didn't think I was anything to look at but I was definitely funny....whenever I could manage to break out of my shell of shyness. I'd always see my thinner, prettier friends getting attention from men while I was "the good friend" and eventually I thought that if I could just lose some weight, I'd get the same attention.

Over the course of the next few years I became something of a gym rat. Think Demi Moore in G.I. Jane...ok maybe not, but I'm now a more reasonable 155lbs. with more of an athletic look. Despite all that I'm still struggling in the man department (and by struggling I mean "I've had 3 dates this year and one of them was a repressed homosexual"), and lacking severely in the confidence department.

At my recent 10-year h.s. reunion, I noticed that many of the former hotties (male and female) had put on quite a bit of weight (not the "I went to a keg party every weekend" weight. I'm talking "I fell asleep at the buffet table" weight--- I should know, it happened to me). They weren't all that hot anymore, to be honest. Some of the former "freaks" and "wallflowers" had turned into some damn good-looking people...but the personalities never changed. The former hotties still had that confidence and charisma despite their (in some cases) 50lb. weight gain/receding hairlines, etc. The freaks and wallflowers were still quiet and on the sidelines. Needless to say the former hotties came with dates or spouses. The freaks and wallflowers congregated in a corner to talk about how horrible the dating scene was. The most amazing thing is that each one had a story about how they'd been dumped for someone who wasn't necessarily nicer or better-looking or more accomplished.

I've been on the train and seen the most buck-toothed, sloppy, bad-weave-wearing mensches with engagement rings and wedding bands and I've thought...how did SHE get a man and I can't? The answer...despite outward appearances, she's a BITCH and she knows how to use it.

The freak/wallflower mentality doesn't just hinder me in dating. It keeps me from making new friends and advancing in my career. How can I sell myself as an employee/friend/potential mate if I don't act like I believe in my own abilities? If you were someone else, would you be friends with yourself? I'd like to think the answer is yes, but some days I'm not so sure.

So now that I've identified the problem, it's time to do something about it. What better time than the new year to make changes? Enter 2008 as my personal year of the BITCH. Each week I'll be setting a challenge to help break myself out of my freak/wallflower mentality. Whether you're already a Bitch, or you're a bitch-in-training, feel free to come through and laugh at/with me and share your story. Don't get it twisted though...this is not a pity party, and even though I may be a wallflower, I'm still from Brooklyn...so act like you know!!!